We live in a paradigmatic moment in relation to couples. While the ideals of romantic love (almost eternal) that we see in movies or novels fall apart in our hands, the emergence of greater individuality (or individualism) leads to tugging of egos and disputes that jeopardize our way of bonding. We do not know how to relate in a transformative interaction, without demanding what there is not, living in a continuous present.
Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. (spiritual master and descendant of the ancient Toltecs, son of the mythical Mexican nagual Don Miguel Ruiz) and HeatherAsh Amara , writer and facilitator of Toltec training workshops, intends to clear this panorama. The seven secrets of healthy and happy relationships (Editorial Urano) seems at first glance one more book of matrimonial survival recipes -in times of sidereal divorce rates-, but above all it is a guide of self-knowledge in the way of relating to another be intimately The authors come from a shamanic worldview, collect ancestral Mexican knowledge and speak – in a more western term – of “conscious love” .
Healing past patterns, observing ourselves to change current paradigms and behaviors, living in emotional states that allow us to get the best out of ourselves are some of the challenges that fill the pages with tips and exercises. ” Creating beautiful and constructive links requires undertaking a journey of self-knowledge with curiosity and creativity, it implies leaving behind convictions that no longer serve you, uncovering unconscious certainties and mythologies, revealing facets of yourself that you may not have known, honoring your truth” , says the back cover. This is how the journey towards “another” ends up being, in reality, towards oneself. Is that the trick?
Here are some extracts of the 7 keys that the book proposes.
1. The commitment
So said, it sounds like “Susanita mode”, but in reality the postulate of the book has more to do with the commitment to one. The adaptability of our personalities to the other due to fear and immaturity is commonplace, the authors invite us to brutal honesty. To be, despite being in a couple or together with the couple, who we have to be in the world. ” This commitment to yourself continues when you dispense with value judgments in the face of compassion, when you stop feeling victimized to be genuinely vulnerable and when you stop thinking about the person you think others want you to be to discover who you are now. “
While a certain “fusion” is necessary at the beginning of every relationship, as we move forward in time, we want to return to our axis, activities, interests, lifestyles. You read in Chapter 2: “Certainly, it’s easy to grant someone the freedom to be who they are when they do what we want.” The hard part is to grant them this same freedom when they do something we do not like.. For example, can we give freedom to a couple who is late (again)? Or that has political ideas different from ours? Or that you have different views on how to educate children? Life generously offers us numerous occasions to give others the freedom to be who they are. “Perhaps we have to put out that voices that are always demanding of others and turn the axis towards our own inner freedom.
3. The “awareness”
It is a more abstract concept, but it has to do with looking inward, with an inner path of self-knowledge. “When they are not aware of their domestication and unresolved wounds, many people continue to make the same choices in their relationships , facing the same kinds of problems and, ultimately, falling into the same unhappy situations.” There are very common comments that all We have heard or even pronounced that highlight this reality: ‘I always go out with the same kind of person’. ‘Apart from the name and the face, all my ex are equal.’ To break these patterns, we must first be aware of them, and the underlying causes. ” This is neither more nor less, emotional work! That pays off, of course.
Maybe this step is derived from the previous one. The book develops some practical exercises that can lead us to heal, to forgive, to reconcile with the past, with our parents, with our childhood. A wounded heart kicks to defend itself for fear of harm, always remembering all the evil that was done to it, that weakens it for love.But beware, these wounds may not appear at the beginning: “In the case of some couples, the need to heal the past does not manifest itself until we overcome the first outbursts of love and settle in a safe and stable place. images that we show consciously or unconsciously, that have been kept hidden, in other cases, the need to heal does not appear until after many years, particularly if the wounds have been buried in the unconscious. “
From the hand of healing appears this feeling, which the authors relate directly to the game, curiosity, pleasure and constant exploration. Here they draw on ancestral wisdom: “Every human being is an artist.” This truth was more than evident to the ancient Toltecs, since the word “Toltec” means “artist.” In his understanding (and ours), all we are human beings, and our art is expressed in the way we create our life. ” When our self-expression is not well channeled, we are likely to feel that happiness has vanished.
The words we choose, the look, the corporal attitude, the silence, the listening. In what way are we aware of the emotions that cross us and manifest them in an appropriate way? “Vulnerability in communication occurs when you share your wishes, needs and fears openly and sincerely, and not least, it means staying actively open when you pay attention to your partner’s wishes, needs and fears.”
7. The liberation
We try to control, judge, we stick to images, instead of being aware that nothing is ours, except the present moment. “As anyone who has maintained a long relationship will tell you, sometimes you have the impression that ‘it requires a lot of effort.’ But here is another paradox: loving unconditionally is the easiest and most pleasant way to make the effort that a relationship requires. We are the ones who complicate it by clinging to our attachments instead of freeing ourselves from them. ”